29 December 2008

Okay so the truth is...

I am terrified. I'm scared. I'm chicken shit quaking in my boots yellow bellied.
I'm all about a life of travel in that theoretical, first-date, sitting around with a glass of wine kind of life speculation way. But the fact is, when I really think about getting on a plane, scratch that: buying a ticket, my stomach gets all wobbly and my palms get clammy. I click through airline ticket sites endlessly. I run searches, ostensibly to get the best ticket price, but really so trying to buy enough time so that i can find something else to do that doesn't involve buying a ticket. I've updated my Facebook status more in the last week and a half than in two years.
Part of it is just my natural cheapskate tendencies that kick in whenever faced with spending more than $500 on ANYTHING. I get plenty of teasing from the friends in that department. But here's what the friends don't know. This time, it's not about the money, it's about the fear.
See, people have this crazy idea about me: That I'm brave, curious, and kind of wily. That my stubbornness and independent streak has got me out of more trouble than I can manage to get myself into. That somehow, like the proverbial cat, I always land on my feet. And most days, I'd buy that line. My life certainly has played out in a bit of a charmed fashion: I've pretty much gotten to do everything I've ever wanted - whether I knew wanted to or not at the time - and things have always turned out alright.
Except for this travel gig. Again ostensibly, I haven't traveled much (outside of work) yet because I've been working, in school, busy or waiting for the right travel partner. So now I'm tired of waiting. I've made the time. I've saved the money and I'm ready - even if I have to go it alone. Or so I think. Then that little voice in my head starts wondering why the heck I want to travel to a foreign country where people speak a different language; what I'm running away from; what the heck I'm looking for, and if there's really something there that I can't find here.
To be perfectly sensible, I'm going to Central America, not Uzbekistan. I'm only going for a couple of months. And I can speak enough Spanish as is to get by. What am I so afraid of? Maybe on a shallow level there are some of the basic issues around being a woman and traveling alone, and the newness of the whole expedition. But the bigger fears - the ones that wake me up at three in the morning - have nothing to do with physical safety.
This is one of those moments that I uncover my existentialist tendencies. It's not the worst things that can happen that I'm afraid of, or the best for that matter. It's the face that this, ultimately, my decision and everything that comes of this decision I am responsible for. That I can do this, or do not do this, but ultimately it's up to me. There's no one to twist my arm, or convince, or ask permission. Whatever I decide and whatever that means, it matters to and affects only me.
The freedom, and responsibility is simultaneously liberating and crushing.
I now have an intimate understanding of the word: angst.
Ultimately, the whole thing is an example of another existential buzz word: absurd.
No more splitting hairs. Time to pull the trigger.

27 December 2008

What I want from this trip:

Here are my goals:

  1. Do Everything.
  2. See Everything.
  3. Have Good Time.


Ha.ha. Just kidding. Srsly. Here goes:
  1. Speak proficient Spanish - I have some pretty basic conversational skills.
  2. Become a confident, comfortable solo traveler.
  3. See both coasts.
  4. Meet some cool people.
  5. See a Blue Morpho.
  6. Ride a horse on the beach.
  7. Yell at a Monkey.
  8. Surf in warm(er) water.
  9. Put some work in on the novel.
  10. Laugh, often.
(Okay I'm just kidding about #7. If I saw a monkey I might yell, yes, but not AT the Monkey)

Everything else is gravy. Now I'm going to take a deep breath, look at some maps and peruse my research and make a destination decision.

Stay tuned.

23 December 2008

A few lists.

Things I should be doing:

  1. Going to bed
  2. Finishing my laundry
  3. Taking out my contacts
  4. Packing for Ptown
  5. Stretching
Thing I am doing:
  1. Updating my blog
  2. Checking my stats (YES, I do care if anyone besides Mitch stops by for a visit - hi Mitch! - I only shout out to Mitch all the time cause the rest of you are so damn quiet)
  3. Eating Trader Joe's French Truffles right out of the box
  4. Surfing for new regular blogs to replace old faves who have retired (I'll miss you, Strange Bird!)
  5. Looking up possible license plate personalization for my car - unfortunately, but unsurprisingly, all versions of "Sunshine" are taken.
Songs I'm really enjoying right now:
  1. I'm Yours - Jason Mraz (yeah me and everybody else)
  2. If I Were A Bell - Dinah Washington
  3. Gravity - Sara Bareillis
  4. Everything -Aqualung
  5. Milonga Sentimental - Otros Aires
Things I ate today:
  1. Homemade Granola Cereal - No I didn't make it, but I ENJOYED it
  2. Turkey
  3. Taco Salad
  4. Did I mention the truffles yet?
  5. A banana (didn't make that one either)
Things I thought about today:
  1. The economy: how low can you go?
  2. My finances: oddly good, considering the overall financial state of the country.
  3. Politics (sensing a theme here?)
  4. Handsome Fellah: haven't thought about him in a while, wonder if I'm going to run into him soon.
  5. The trip: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

08 December 2008

Choosing a destination...

I'd just like to start this one out by acknowledging that really, all of life's problems should be this hard...

The problem is I want to go EVERYWHERE and do EVERYTHING all at once. I have literally burst into tears (twice) talking to BBGB about the trip because every time I think of traveling - I get totally overwhelmed by the sensation that I have to make this trip the BEST POSSIBLE TRIP EVER and DO EVERY SINGLE THING. At one point I think I even said (blubbering of course) "what if this is the only trip I ever take - I just don't want to regret not doing something when I had the chance."

Yes, I have ALWAYS been an overachiever. I also think hu-way too much. I know, I know. Tell me about it.

But the fact is, I've only been out of the US twice and this trip means so much for me - literally and figuratively - that it's sometimes difficult to avoid this huge wave of expectation that sweeps me right out of "oh excited about the trip" land and into the scary sea of "please don't let me waste this opportunity."

I can't decide if I want to backpack the whole trip, or settle in to a few sweet spots for longer stays. Hostel, tent or hotel? Spend the whole trip solo, or hook up with other travelers? Pacific or Carribean? Decisions, decisions!

This is the part where the seasond travelers should be laughing. Of course it's impossible to see and do everything, and of course I'm going to miss some things and experience others I can't possibly have planned for sitting in my bed blogging about my travel neurosis. It occured to me that maybe I'm just looking at this backwards. Maybe I should just outline things I really want to say I did or accomplished this trip, use that to define where I go, and let the rest sort itself out.

04 December 2008

Saving is sexy... (and I'm not talking about abstinence )

Can't believe I'm almost at a year from establishing my first real set of financial goals. (Better late than never). You may have noticed I -finally - got my charts setup in the sidebar so you can follow along. They are actually current as of this post.

Happy to note that the Uh-Oh Fund is now 100% complete. Although my Travel Fund isn't exactly where I was shooting for (yeah, so, uh about that $1k a month...) I'm not super stressed because I was able to pay down much more of my debt than I planned - and I set that goal higher than I really needed it to be intentionally. I'm also thinking about ratcheting down the length of my trip. More on that later.

So the good news: I've eliminated car payments, along with over sized insurance premiums, paid off all but two of my revolving credit accounts (the two remaining are have the lowest interest rates) Now to look forward...

I still have to work out my travel details, and I realize I've been hesitating because I wanted to see where my money was at. With just over two months till departure, it's time to start making some plans and hammering out the details. You know, small details, like: where to go and what to do when I get there!

03 December 2008

I shouldn't love this movie as much as I do....


It's a full on, unrepentantly romantic, two epic plot bonanza squashed into one big beautiful scenic mess of a movie, rife with cliches and the standard cast of good vs. evil characters.

And still. I'm sure about 90% of my love is for the land - that continent as depicted is one big glamour shot. The rest I reserve for the love story that manages not to be entirely trite for all it's standard hollywoodness, or the way that the legalized system of racism was not shied away from but faced with an honest, if a bit "happily ever after," eye.

So I do. I do I do I do.

This movie makes Titanic look like a teenage melodrama cloaked in historical fiction - oh wait, it was a teenage melodrama cloaked in historical fiction - and totally redeems Nicole Kidman from that ridiculous "Far and Away" debacle.

And the shot of a sudsy Hugh Jackman bucket rinsing his immaculately beautiful chest - while gratuitous, thinly veiled soft core porn - has absolutely nothing to do with my review. After all the scene was what Daniel Craig's beach shot was for Casino Royal: icing on an already delicious cake.

That is all.