14 July 2008

Should I stay or should I go now...

I looked at an apartment this weekend. A Belltown studio not far from EVERYTHING that is the best of downtown Seattle.

Truth is I've been surfing Craigslist in my spare time for the last few weeks, ostensibly as a way to kill time while waiting for the go-ahead on a project. See I like my living arrangement, and my roommate, but two things have come become abundantly clear:

  1. The commute is killing me. Spending 45 minutes to an 1 hour and 15 minutes in traffic each way blows.
  2. More importantly, I like my house plenty, but it started out temporary and has never quite fit. I miss having a space that feels like I belong in it. It's not about the length of time I'll be there, just the FEELING of being in it. The feeling of it being RIGHT.
Since I'm not in a hurry or wanting to get into a year long lease I've been cruising the sublets and lease takeovers. There's a certain luxury to this particular kind of hunt. For the first time I'm not desperately in need of housing: I have a roof over my head, I'm just trying to figure out if its the best place for me right now and if there might be something that fits me better out there.

The studio was cute (aka small but charming) in an old building with lots of windows and a fantastic view of the SPACE NEEDLE from the rooftop garden. The Monorail would be crusing by, but because the unit was in the back of the building, the sound was negligible. Not far from Westlake, a movie theater, a grocery store and my favorite donut shop ever, Top Pot. Its a block walk to the bus that runs direct to my job - shortening my commute to a perfectly acceptable 25minutes.

In the end I didn't take it. For a myriad of smaller reasons, and few I could actually verbalize. It just wasn't a good fit. I could have done without parking, and would have been fine with the creepy basement laundry room - but at the end of the tour I just didn't feel it. Something else is out there for me, and if it's meant to be, I'll know it. The luxury of my situation is not having to take the first thing that comes along.

It's kinda like how I feel about being single at the moment.

Case in point, SpiderMan turned out to be awesome. There was the constant humorous banter, the good manners, the charming adventure stories, the follow up questions ("so tell me more about how you got into that job?") and the charming old school gentleman behavior. Aside from the fact that SpiderMan is newly separated from his Mary Jane, he is pretty damn near everything I asked for. Including even the fact that he was perfectly honest and upfront with his situation BEFORE we took a trip down Intimacy Lane.

There was a time when I would have taken him no questions asked, substantial baggage and uncertain matrimonial status as he is. I would have fallen straight into love without a backward glance. Who knows, maybe it would have been fine. More than likely though it would have been a disaster. The divorce isn't even final - if it's even on the table. And since she was the one to pull the plug, he's going to be the one doing the "getting over it." I can see it in his eyes that he still has a lot invested in Them, and probably will for a while. Plus, nice as he is, I'm no man's rebound.

Instead I thanked him from the bottom of my heart for his honesty and wished that the best of all possible outcomes would be his regarding the matrimonial situation but declined the opportunity to continue to see him on a romantic basis. It actually worked. We've been hanging out - as friends - catching the odd after work smoothie or stroll downtown between buses - with no awkward chemistry involved.

But there's something else for me out there, both in a living space and a partner. I'm not foolish enough to think either one will be "perfect," but it will be the right for me. I don't have to be in a hurry, and it's okay to walk away from that apartment, or the dinner table with a moment of wondering "what if." That moment faded quickly because I followed my gut, and that means I made the right decision.

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