Okay so the truth is...

I am terrified. I'm scared. I'm chicken shit quaking in my boots yellow bellied.

I'm all about a life of travel in that theoretical, first-date, sitting around with a glass of wine kind of life speculation way. But the fact is, when I really think about getting on a plane, scratch that: buying a ticket, my stomach gets all wobbly and my palms get clammy. I click through airline ticket sites endlessly. I run searches, ostensibly to get the best ticket price, but really so trying to buy enough time so that i can find something else to do that doesn't involve buying a ticket. I've updated my Facebook status more in the last week and a half than in two years.

Part of it is just my natural cheapskate tendencies that kick in whenever faced with spending more than $500 on ANYTHING. I get plenty of teasing from the friends in that department. But here's what the friends don't know. This time, it's not about the money, it's about the fear.

See, people have this crazy idea about me: That I'm brave, curious, and kind of wily. That my stubbornness and independent streak has got me out of more trouble than I can manage to get myself into. That somehow, like the proverbial cat, I always land on my feet. And most days, I'd buy that line. My life certainly has played out in a bit of a charmed fashion: I've pretty much gotten to do everything I've ever wanted - whether I knew wanted to or not at the time - and things have always turned out alright.

Except for this travel gig. Again ostensibly, I haven't traveled much (outside of work) yet because I've been working, in school, busy or waiting for the right travel partner. So now I'm tired of waiting. I've made the time. I've saved the money and I'm ready - even if I have to go it alone. Or so I think. Then that little voice in my head starts wondering why the heck I want to travel to a foreign country where people speak a different language; what I'm running away from; what the heck I'm looking for, and if there's really something there that I can't find here.

To be perfectly sensible, I'm going to Central America, not Uzbekistan. I'm only going for a couple of months. And I can speak enough Spanish as is to get by. What am I so afraid of? Maybe on a shallow level there are some of the basic issues around being a woman and traveling alone, and the newness of the whole expedition. But the bigger fears - the ones that wake me up at three in the morning - have nothing to do with physical safety.

This is one of those moments that I uncover my existentialist tendencies. It's not the worst things that can happen that I'm afraid of, or the best for that matter. It's the face that this, ultimately, my decision and everything that comes of this decision I am responsible for. That I can do this, or do not do this, but ultimately it's up to me. There's no one to twist my arm, or convince, or ask permission. Whatever I decide and whatever that means, it matters to and affects only me.

The freedom, and responsibility is simultaneously liberating and crushing.

I now have an intimate understanding of the word: angst.

Ultimately, the whole thing is an example of another existential buzz word: absurd.

No more splitting hairs. Time to pull the trigger.

What I want from this trip:

Here are my goals:

1. Do Everything.
2. See Everything.
3. Have Good Time.
   

Ha.ha. Just kidding. Srsly. Here goes:

1. Speak proficient Spanish - I have some pretty basic conversational skills.
2. Become a confident, comfortable solo traveler.
   
3. See both coasts.
4. Meet some cool people.
5. See a Blue Morpho.
6. Ride a horse on the beach.
7. Yell at a Monkey.
8. Surf in warm(er) water.
9. Put some work in on the novel.
10. Laugh, often.
    

(Okay I'm just kidding about #7. If I saw a monkey I might yell, yes, but not AT the Monkey)

Everything else is gravy. Now I'm going to take a deep breath, look at some maps and peruse my research and make a destination decision.

Stay tuned.

A few lists.

Things I should be doing:

1. Going to bed
2. Finishing my laundry
3. Taking out my contacts
4. Packing for Ptown
   
5. Stretching
   

Thing I am doing:

1. Updating my blog
2. Checking my stats (YES, I do care if anyone besides Mitch stops by for a visit - hi Mitch! - I only shout out to Mitch all the time cause the rest of you are so damn quiet)
   
3. Eating Trader Joe's French Truffles right out of the box
4. Surfing for new regular blogs to replace old faves who have retired (I'll miss you, Strange Bird!)
   
5. Looking up possible license plate personalization for my car - unfortunately, but unsurprisingly, all versions of "Sunshine" are taken.
   

Songs I'm really enjoying right now:

1. I'm Yours - Jason Mraz (yeah me and everybody else)
2. If I Were A Bell - Dinah Washington
3. Gravity - Sara Bareillis
4. Everything -Aqualung
5. Milonga Sentimental - Otros Aires

Things I ate today:

1. Homemade Granola Cereal - No I didn't make it, but I ENJOYED it
2. Turkey
3. Taco Salad
4. Did I mention the truffles yet?
5. A banana (didn't make that one either)

Things I thought about today:

1. The economy: how low can you go?
   
2. My finances: oddly good, considering the overall financial state of the country.
   
3. Politics (sensing a theme here?)
4. Handsome Fellah: haven't thought about him in a while, wonder if I'm going to run into him soon.
   
5. The trip: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
   

Choosing a destination...

I'd just like to start this one out by acknowledging that really, all of life's problems should be this hard...

The problem is I want to go EVERYWHERE and do EVERYTHING all at once. I have literally burst into tears (twice) talking to BBGB about the trip because every time I think of traveling - I get totally overwhelmed by the sensation that I have to make this trip the BEST POSSIBLE TRIP EVER and DO EVERY SINGLE THING. At one point I think I even said (blubbering of course) "what if this is the only trip I ever take - I just don't want to regret not doing something when I had the chance."

Yes, I have ALWAYS been an overachiever. I also think hu-way too much. I know, I know. Tell me about it.

But the fact is, I've only been out of the US twice and this trip means so much for me - literally and figuratively - that it's sometimes difficult to avoid this huge wave of expectation that sweeps me right out of "oh excited about the trip" land and into the scary sea of "please don't let me waste this opportunity."

I can't decide if I want to backpack the whole trip, or settle in to a few sweet spots for longer stays. Hostel, tent or hotel? Spend the whole trip solo, or hook up with other travelers? Pacific or Carribean? Decisions, decisions!

This is the part where the seasond travelers should be laughing. Of course it's impossible to see and do everything, and of course I'm going to miss some things and experience others I can't possibly have planned for sitting in my bed blogging about my travel neurosis. It occured to me that maybe I'm just looking at this backwards. Maybe I should just outline things I really want to say I did or accomplished this trip, use that to define where I go, and let the rest sort itself out.

Saving is sexy... (and I'm not talking about abstinence )

Can't believe I'm almost at a year from establishing my first real set of financial goals. (Better late than never). You may have noticed I -finally - got my charts setup in the sidebar so you can follow along. They are actually current as of this post.

Happy to note that the Uh-Oh Fund is now 100% complete. Although my Travel Fund isn't exactly where I was shooting for (yeah, so, uh about that $1k a month...) I'm not super stressed because I was able to pay down much more of my debt than I planned - and I set that goal higher than I really needed it to be intentionally. I'm also thinking about ratcheting down the length of my trip. More on that later.

So the good news: I've eliminated car payments, along with over sized insurance premiums, paid off all but two of my revolving credit accounts (the two remaining are have the lowest interest rates) Now to look forward...

I still have to work out my travel details, and I realize I've been hesitating because I wanted to see where my money was at. With just over two months till departure, it's time to start making some plans and hammering out the details. You know, small details, like: where to go and what to do when I get there!

I shouldn't love this movie as much as I do....

It's a full on, unrepentantly romantic, two epic plot bonanza squashed into one big beautiful scenic mess of a movie, rife with cliches and the standard cast of good vs. evil characters.

And still. I'm sure about 90% of my love is for the land - that continent as depicted is one big glamour shot. The rest I reserve for the love story that manages not to be entirely trite for all it's standard hollywoodness, or the way that the legalized system of racism was not shied away from but faced with an honest, if a bit "happily ever after," eye.

So I do. I do I do I do.

This movie makes Titanic look like a teenage melodrama cloaked in historical fiction - oh wait, it was a teenage melodrama cloaked in historical fiction - and totally redeems Nicole Kidman from that ridiculous "Far and Away" debacle.

And the shot of a sudsy Hugh Jackman bucket rinsing his immaculately beautiful chest - while gratuitous, thinly veiled soft core porn - has absolutely nothing to do with my review. After all the scene was what Daniel Craig's beach shot was for Casino Royal: icing on an already delicious cake.

That is all.

A lifetime in Californa and I don't pick up a surfboard till I get to Washington, what gives?

You heard that right. Considering all my life I have been a CA girl, including the snowboarding and living on the beach for almost 10 years, and I NEVER picked up a surfboard.


Until Saturday. Friends who know about my upcoming trip to Central America decided to give me one more activity to do when I get there (like I'm gonna get bored or something?) So LegalGirrl and her man and I piled into the rig and headed to the Peninsula. Turns out LegalGrrl's man is major surf guy and he's got her so into it she has a spare wetsuit and board for me.

Yes. Wetsuit. Complete with booties and a hood. Which keeps one from the clutches of hypothermia but also makes one look suspiciously like a seal. I couldn't help hoping as we walked out into the waves that there were no hungry sharks cruising the area. Or Orcas. (Although I was relieved reading recently that the local pods are have quite refined palettes: they prefer salmon to seal.)

but, I digress...

Surfboards on the roof isn't exactly subtle. In line for the ferry we met a couple deciding between Neah Bay and La Push. At the gas station LegalBoy struck up a conversation with a fellow surfer. By the time we arrived at the campsite (after stopping for gas and groceries) we had met half the people there somewhere along the way.

What I didn't expect about the surfing scene was the community. And it certainly wasn't the OC crowd. Each one of the characters I met was unique and interesting, running the gamut from weekend warrior professional and his family to one guy who spent six months surfing his way up and down the Pacific Ocean (we had a nice chat about some Central American surf spots). What really struck me was the genuine passion that brought them out on a rainy fall weekend, wetsuits and all. What and the heck was everybody so damn excited about?

Then I had my turn. But first: getting into the wetsuit. Now I know why seals are BORN with that skin, cause getting in and out of the thing is nearly impossible without major assistance. And by assistance I mean Legal Girl pulling as I lean all my weight the opposite direction. It probably didn't help that she's about two inches shorter and 20 lbs lighter than I am. Needless to say, I'm going to have to go up a size when I get my own suit.

There was something terrifying and exciting about walking into the surf the first time. The shock of cold water, combined with the force of waves pushing against my knees, then my hips, and finally my chest, until I was gripping the board and leaping up to clear them and finally belly down and paddling. We spent the first hour or so inside the breaks, with LegalBoy just pushing me into waves as I practiced hoping up into standing position.

Once I actually managed to stay up I discovered the sensation wasn't that much different than snowboarding. The exchange of balance in motion felt quite similar. After I was up a few times we headed out past the breaks. It was much harder to get up - okay so I didn't get up once on my own - but LegalBoy's strategy gave just enough of a taste of that smooth, floating sensation to keep trying. I grew to love the attempt, as much as the actual riding. Just as wonderful was sitting out on the past the waves with the beach and the distance between new and old friends. There's nothing like being balanced on the board and watching rain begin to fall on the water while waiting for that perfect wave.

I only lasted about an hour before one attempt landed me in a bit of a beatdown under my board and the wave, letting me know I was done for the day. Fingers and toes frozen, I still couldn't wipe the grin off my face. The great part of being so cold was that even the tepid shower water felt fantastic as I peeled off the suit and rinsed the salt from my skin. And after the day out there was a campfire and a nice meal, before I crawled into my tent for the best night of sleep I can remember.

Alright Legalkids, you win! I am totally hooked. Only I think I'm going to save my next outing to sunny and warm central America. I could really learn to love that.

Post-Election Election Fatigue

I have to say that I'm feeling a bit WORN following the fervor of recent election. Without all the election coverage there's this void that leaves me feeling empty and a little relieved. What did I do with my lunch hour and break times before I scanned spent the time scanning the news for the latest campaign updates. Not that the media hasn't tried to immediately fill it with speculation on everything from Obama's plans for Gitmo and whether or not Mrs. Obama is the second coming of Jackie O.

In any case. Bush is officially a lame duck, Palin is back in Alaska (although she still appears not to know her head from her ass), the economy is still in the toilet, Iraq is a mess. Don't get me wrong, as a nation we still have a long way to go, baby, but for tonight I sorta feel like this:


(If you haven't seen Oscar before, you aren't watching enough YouTube at work.)


I'm abstaining this week from political news consumption. YouTube, here I come.

This I believe: LANDSLIDE

'Nuff Said...

More great political cartoons, here...

Attn, my peeps: An election day courtesy reminder...

(and yes, D - I promise to behave WHEN Obama wins. But I might not be able to pass up the opportunity to do the Cupid Shuffle at LEAST once in my office. I promise to close the door.)

Good Day, My People – It dawned on me that Obama could actually win this thing. If that happens, there will be a lot of people (some of our co-workers included) who will be afraid that an Obama presidency will usher in the end of days. They'll be watching us on November 5 ^th (the day after the election) for signs of the end times.

To keep the peace and keep a lot of folks from getting nervous, I think we should develop a list of acceptable celebrations and behaviors we should probably avoid – at least for the first few days:

1. No crying, hugging or shouting 'Thank you Lord' – at least not in public

2. No high-fives – at least not unless the area is clear and there are no witnesses

3. No laughing at the McCain/Palin supporters

4. No calling in sick on November 5 ^th . They'll get nervous if too many of us don't show up.

5. We're allowed to give each other knowing winks or nods in passing. Just try to keep from grinning too hard.

6. No singing loudly, We've come this Far By Faith (it will be acceptable to hum softly)

7. No bringing of barbeque ribs or fried chicken for lunch in the company lunchroom for at least a week (no chittlins at all) (this may make us seem too ethnic)

8. No leaving kool-aid packages at the water fountain (this might be a sign that poor folks might be getting a breakthrough)

9. No Cupid Shuffle during breaks (this could indicate a little too much excitement)

10. Please no Moving on Up music (we are going to try to remain humble)

11. No doing the George Jefferson dance (unless you're in your office with the door closed)

12. Please try not to yell----BOOOO YAH!

13. Try to refrain from saying “I know there’s a God, I know there’s a God” when McCain supporters walk by your office or cube.

14. Attempt to be understanding when McCain supports are overheard using Florida Evan’s famous words; “Damn, damn, damn!!!”

15. Just in case you're wondering, Doing the Running Man, cabbage patch, or a backhand spring on the highway is 100% okay.

If I've missed anything feel free to add to the list. I just want to make sure we're all on the same page when Obama brings this thing home on November 5 ^th ."

Debt Reduction Calculator

I found this nifty (and FREE!) little doo-hicky online the other day and thought I'd pass it along:

http://www.vertex42.com/Calculators/debt-reduction-calculator.html

Actual Screenshot:

It's a debt reduction calculator (spreadsheet available in Excel and Open Office friendly formats) based on the "Debt-Snowball" strategy. So I'm a bit new to the strategy, but basically it involves calculating how much of your income you can put toward bills a month, paying minimums on all revolving debt EXCEPT for the lowest amount, which you devote the "snowball" or minimum plus excess budgeted debt repayment amount every month until it's gone. Then you move to the next lowest debt, and so on.

(I know, I just made that sound hella complex. For a more thorough definition, try here.)

Apparently, lots of financial planners recommend this strategy for a couple of reasons**:

1. Paying off debt a lot more quickly and/or paying less interest overall* depending on how you structure the snowball effect.

2. Psychologically, this strategy is more rewarding than others. Because the payment effort is concentrated on paying off one bill at a time (aside from meeting the other minimums), it's possible to see results sooner (i.e. fewer bills overall). Since success encourages repetition - a sort of Pavlovian response I suppose: the reduction in number of bills becomes the strategies own reinforcing reward.

In any case, I've been informally doing this kind of debt payoff for the last year. Although, I confess it hasn't been really well organized. I tended to throw my snowball at whatever bill just FELT most pressing that paycheck. As a result, my efforts haven't been as efficient as they could have been, although I have substantially reduced my overall debt this year by about 40%. After putting the spreadsheet through it's paces (somebody smarter than me is going to have to check the math on this one) I'm really pleased to have a single place to store, track and set some goal payoff dates, as it gives me some focus.

Also, the spreadsheet gives LOTS of options for how to set up the snowball strategy: highest interest, lowest interest, greatest balance, lowest balance, etc. and a cool dropdown that calculates how much interest and how long it would take to elimiate the debt using each stratgey. I peeped out a few other spreadsheets and this one just worked best for me.

Anyone else using a similar spreadsheet? What do you recommend? Built your own?

What's been your experience with the Debt Snowball Strategy? Success stories? Caveats?









*Infact, if you have good financial discipline (which I am developing), an alternate strategy is to structure the snowball payoff by highest interest rate - thereby reducing



**(Disclaimer: Please be aware I am neither a psychologist or a financial adviser, so anything I say here is purely my own speculation based on research and trial and error. Don't fuck up your finances and blame it on me. Consider yourself warned.)

Savings Setback or Success...you decide:

The beast started clunking during braking a couple of weeks ago. The queen of ignoring potentially expensive car repairs - aka, moi - thought better of her usual tack because this time it involves BRAKES and one NEEDS THOSE TO WORK and took it to her favorite Car Guys in Ballard.

Good news: the thumping was actually just a loose bolt in the Control Arm.
Cost to fix: $0

Bad News: the bolt was probably rattled loose by the warped rotors. Oh and by the way, when was the last time you had a complete brake job?
Cost of complete brake job: $600.00

I could have bought a bicycle for that. A NICE bicycle. Unfortunately then I'd still have a car with bad brakes. Instead, I tapped into the "Uh-oh Fund" which is now depleted but has officially served its purpose. I didn't have to tap into my travel fund or engage any credit.

Now I have even less of an "uh-oh" cushion so the heat will be on to pinch pennies and do my best to avoid any further uh-ohs. In any case, there is no point in worrying - In theory, it doesn't really matter I guess as long as I'm doing the saving. And I am, and it's WORKING!

My verdict: I'm considering it a success because I had an unexpected expense covered without engaging ANY credit - or having to put myself on a Pho diet for the next month.

What cha think?

5 Things...

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:

1. Deciding on a college.
2. Driving the "coolest car ever" (at least at the time) : A 1985 Ford Thunderbird, with the Turbo Charger.
3. Dating my first boyfriend EVER.
4. Exercising hunter/jumpers and dreaming of the day I'd ride on the US Equestrian Team.
5. Picking out my dress for senior ball.
   

5 things on my to do list today:

1. Go to yoga
2. Finish my laundry
3. Pay that annoying traffic ticket
4. Watch the rest of the Weeds Season 2, Disc 3 so it can return to the 'Flix, enabling a new disc will magically appear!
   
5. Clean the bathroom
   

5 snacks I love:

1. I'm with you Mitch, Peanut Butter rocks my world.
   
2. Reese Peanut Butter Cups (Mitch, that's a two for two. Were we separated at birth?)
   
3. Chicharrones. Nasty, I know, but sooo good.
4. Apple slices. (Really, they're like crack to me)
5. Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Truffle
   

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire:

1. Buy my mom a house
2. Pay for my dad's medical bills
3. Travel around the world for a year
4. Take cello lessons every day
5. Quit "working for a living"
   

5 places I’ve lived:

1. Virginia
2. Portland, OR
   
3. Florida
4. Idaho
5. California
   

5 jobs I’ve had:

1. Shit shoveler (work in barns, shovel some shit)
2. Summer Camp Counselor
3. Riding Instructor
4. Newspaper delivery
5. Telemarketer (for about 10 minutes)
   

5 people I tag:

1. All that you can't leave behind
2. English Major's Money
3. Kill the Goat

And two random people who visit this blog and don't ever make a peep! You know who you are!

Electric Mini Pilot Program Announced

Be still my beating heart, for true love hath arrived:

Pilot Project with 500 All-Electric Minis in Three US States :

2008-10-20 - BMW plans to test a fleet oft some 500 all-electric Mini models
that will be made available to select private and corporate customers as part of
a pilot project in the US states of California, New York and New Jersey. The
Mini E will give its world premiere at the Los Angeles Auto Show on November 19
and 20, 2008. It will be powered by a 150 kW electric motor fed by a
high-performance rechargeable lithium-ion battery, transferring its power to the
front wheels via a single-stage helical gearbox. More...

For you, dear sweet my love, I have but one tender question:

When can I get one? When can I get one?When can I get one? When can I get one?When can I get one? When can I get one?When can I get one? When can I get one?When can I get one? When can I get one?When can I get one? When can I get one?When can I get one? When can I get one?

"Joe the Plumber" is a real guy...

And Jon Stewart - as per usual - makes the funny out of it:






(Strange Bird: I think we're still right on about there being something wrong with a guy like this getting picked as the American 'norm'), IMHO)

Will the real Joe Six Pack please stand up?

No doubt you've been hearing all about the quintessential American "Joe Six-Pack."

Frankly, I'm wondering just who the hell is this guy and why the hell is he suddenly the prime character in this election. While watching the last debate tonight, with both candidates addressing "Joe," it took me a minute to realize exactly whom they were referring to.

Furthermore, the average - everyday "Joe Six Pack" is the same dude candidates have been pandering to for the last, oh say 200 years. The single issue, god-fearin' hard working male that has been making the decision for EVERYBODY else for HUWAY too long.

And, what the heck do REAL hard working American men think about being reduced to the guy in the photo above?



Cause frankly I'm exhausted by the labels and oversimplifications.

What a long strange trip it has been...

About a month ago, someone very close to me died.

I'm not going to euphemism it or get maudlin: He died and his dying changed my life. For the last seven years he was a confidant and partner in crime. And now he's gone. He's not someone you would know about because I never posted about him here: Although he liked reading my zany two cents on everything wasn't a wasn't a big fan of being part of it, and out of respect I never mentioned him.

I think he would forgive me today, because all of this is just by way of explaining - why I've been gone and where I've been. For the last month or so I've just been - getting by. He wouldn't have been pleased. He would have wanted the road trips and beach adventures, and park days to go on. I know all this, but without him, just wasn't doable.

The last time we spoke, there were three promised I made to my friend:

1. Quit being so hard on myself.
2. Travel, Travel, Travel - see EVERYTHING... and
3. Keep writing. Finish the book, write about the travels, keep blogging, whatever...just don't stop telling stories.

So here I am, keeping my promise.

Last weekend I hiked Mt. Si for the first time. It was the hike we always meant to do together when I moved to Seattle but never seemed to be meet up up early enough to avoid the "uphill version of Greenlake" sensation lots of people attribute to the popular trail.

The trail was 4 miles one way, almost entirely uphill. I couldn't help laughing to myself as I rounded the corner of yet another steep switchback headed what felt vertical. THIS is the real reason we never "did the Si." Too damn steep. But when I got to the base of Haystack (aka the novice hiker's summit) the view was breathtaking. From the Olympics, to Rainer and the faintest hint of what may have been Mt. Adams I had that top of the world feeling that reminded me our best moments in being together.

Adios, mi amigo - via con "huevos."*






* Correct phrase is actually "via con dios" - go with god. The "huevos" is a long story that became a bit of an inside joke. Please expect to be looked at like a retard if you actually use the expression "via con huevos" with any spanish speaking individual.

That is all.

Goodbye, car loan!

It gripes me to no end sometimes that I actually had to take out a loan on the car when I bought it - I decided I'd rather have the cash than just buy the car outright. Mistake #1. What I wasn't factoring in was the cost of all the extra insurance (comprehensive) added to the interest which cost me more in the long run than just doing without that cash on hand in the short term.

Duh.

The sweetest part was realizing once I did the math last night that after downsizing my insurance coverage and paying off the car - even with the price of gas in my guzzler - it's still cheaper for me to keep the rig at the moment than to make a down payment on a gas sipper and start the whole cycle again.

Plus I'm still seriously considering selling the beast before I leave for traveling and transitioning to a car-less existence on my return, which would be ultimately better for my budget and the environment than even a Geo Teetotaler (or whatever they're calling the Metro these days)

I live in a big enough city, with reasonable enough public transportation that getting where I need to go shouldn't be a huge issue without my own set of four wheels. Better then that when I come back I'm planning on actually moving INTO the city, rather than staying out in the 'Burbs.

The California girl giving up her car still sounds a bit sacrilegious to me, but times they are a changing and I'm learning to appreciate the new opportunities change brings. Still hanging onto my keys though, at least for the near future.

This I believe...Mentors, trailblazers and inspiration...

That when you're setting out on a new path, it's a good idea to look ahead of you to see if there's anyone on a similar road from which you might draw inspiration, guidance or wisdom from. (Even the "how not to do it" examples are worth watching out for)

So here's a little shoutout of thanks to Wanderlusting, Escape from New York, and Strange Bird who defintely fall into the former category. For being on your own paths in life and leading the way in various respects for others via your blogged adventures. You are totally inspirational!

The Travel Fund, step 3, item 12, numeral IIV, continuation of part 6B...

aka. The Debt Paydown

As of today I have officially paid off one of the major debts that's been hounding me for over two years. When I called today to verify I was at a zero balance the customer service rep actually said "Congratulations."

I have to say I'm getting addicted to this feeling: every time I've successfully zeroed out a debt in the last six mouths (three and counting!) it's like having a rock removed from the invisible backpack between my shoulder blades. I have to stop myself from literally doing a freedom dance around the office. There is something so liberating about realizing I owe one less company any bit of my hard earned money.

Better yet, each payoff has had this snowball "prosperity effect" on the rest of my perceptions of my financial life. As my bottom line improves I find myself feeling less behind, less embroiled in struggle to stay afloat. Rather, my savings has increased, and I no longer feel so paycheck bound. Plus, having a savings goal, its much easier to look at something in the store and fight that initial "I want it" reaction. I can look at a pair of shoes and see two full days of travel expenses and the decision is made for me. I just feel better about my money. Even with the gas prices going up and the economy in the shitthole, I've managed to keep my expenses growth to a minimum and stay entirely on target financially. I'm not counting pennies so much anymore, but I have a way more cogent picture of where my money is going and an easier time keeping it headed the right directions.

Having a budget, goals and sticking to them has had the exact opposite affect of what I feared for so long. Instead of making me feel hemmed in and like I was punishing myself, I actually feel more liberated: Less like I've got rules to follow and more like I'm on track. I actually feel really independent and much more confident about my ability to take care of myself. Even with all these "rules" I still have way more freedom than I ever had when I was making it up as I went along and dreaming about "someday."

Ferking Suze Orman was right.

The nitty gritty: I'm 3/4 of the way to having met my "Uh-oh Fund" goals (I had to dip into it for a minor "uh-oh" last month, but I just took a breath, withdrew the money and reminded myself that's what it's there for). I'm also about a 1/5th into the Travel Fund, which is about where I expected at this point. It seems a bit low, but that's not counting interest. Additionally, the next six months are going to be bigger because having less debt to pay off means having more income to tuck away into savings with every check.

Ever have those moments where you feel like a grownup, and suddenly that's not such an awful thing?

When? What brought it on? How did it make you feel?

(And does anyone know where I can get one of those clever little bar graph/pie charts widgets so I can track all this progress on my sidebar?)

He called her a WHAT?!

Okay I have been trying to keep my blog out of the political fray, but this was just too funny to pass up. Especially the reporter's slip up during his "stand-up" live brodcast.

Warning..."Coarse" Language is involved.



And frankly, even if it is bullsh*t, I don't feel bad in the slightest for passing it along...

Should I stay or should I go now...

I looked at an apartment this weekend. A Belltown studio not far from EVERYTHING that is the best of downtown Seattle.

Truth is I've been surfing Craigslist in my spare time for the last few weeks, ostensibly as a way to kill time while waiting for the go-ahead on a project. See I like my living arrangement, and my roommate, but two things have come become abundantly clear:

1. The commute is killing me. Spending 45 minutes to an 1 hour and 15 minutes in traffic each way blows.
2. More importantly, I like my house plenty, but it started out temporary and has never quite fit. I miss having a space that feels like I belong in it. It's not about the length of time I'll be there, just the FEELING of being in it. The feeling of it being RIGHT.
   

Since I'm not in a hurry or wanting to get into a year long lease I've been cruising the sublets and lease takeovers. There's a certain luxury to this particular kind of hunt. For the first time I'm not desperately in need of housing: I have a roof over my head, I'm just trying to figure out if its the best place for me right now and if there might be something that fits me better out there.

The studio was cute (aka small but charming) in an old building with lots of windows and a fantastic view of the SPACE NEEDLE from the rooftop garden. The Monorail would be crusing by, but because the unit was in the back of the building, the sound was negligible. Not far from Westlake, a movie theater, a grocery store and my favorite donut shop ever, Top Pot. Its a block walk to the bus that runs direct to my job - shortening my commute to a perfectly acceptable 25minutes.

In the end I didn't take it. For a myriad of smaller reasons, and few I could actually verbalize. It just wasn't a good fit. I could have done without parking, and would have been fine with the creepy basement laundry room - but at the end of the tour I just didn't feel it. Something else is out there for me, and if it's meant to be, I'll know it. The luxury of my situation is not having to take the first thing that comes along.

It's kinda like how I feel about being single at the moment.

Case in point, SpiderMan turned out to be awesome. There was the constant humorous banter, the good manners, the charming adventure stories, the follow up questions ("so tell me more about how you got into that job?") and the charming old school gentleman behavior. Aside from the fact that SpiderMan is newly separated from his Mary Jane, he is pretty damn near everything I asked for. Including even the fact that he was perfectly honest and upfront with his situation BEFORE we took a trip down Intimacy Lane.

There was a time when I would have taken him no questions asked, substantial baggage and uncertain matrimonial status as he is. I would have fallen straight into love without a backward glance. Who knows, maybe it would have been fine. More than likely though it would have been a disaster. The divorce isn't even final - if it's even on the table. And since she was the one to pull the plug, he's going to be the one doing the "getting over it." I can see it in his eyes that he still has a lot invested in Them, and probably will for a while. Plus, nice as he is, I'm no man's rebound.

Instead I thanked him from the bottom of my heart for his honesty and wished that the best of all possible outcomes would be his regarding the matrimonial situation but declined the opportunity to continue to see him on a romantic basis. It actually worked. We've been hanging out - as friends - catching the odd after work smoothie or stroll downtown between buses - with no awkward chemistry involved.

But there's something else for me out there, both in a living space and a partner. I'm not foolish enough to think either one will be "perfect," but it will be the right for me. I don't have to be in a hurry, and it's okay to walk away from that apartment, or the dinner table with a moment of wondering "what if." That moment faded quickly because I followed my gut, and that means I made the right decision.

The quickest way to get over someone...is to get under somebody else.

Okay so I don't really subscribe to that one, but it did get your attention, didn't it?

So tonight I have a date. Which could definitely be considered getting back on that particular horse rather quickly - but this funny thing happens sometimes when you tell the universe what you think you need (in this case, some "Time Off") and it gives you what it thinks you need (ie. an abundance, very good looking men in a short amount of time who seem particularly interesting and particularly interested in, you.)

I'm of two minds about all this. One I really do need the me time, and the last four weeks have been nothing but that. Hanging out with friends, going home alone, playing the "what do I want to do today game," cleaning house, packaging up momentos, reconnecting with old friends. And to be honest, am I over HF? Who knows. I still get the occasional dull ache of missing that dude, and the tinge of regret for how things just didn't work out.

As Madeline Peyroux sings:

Once in a while I'll wake up
Wondering why we gave up
But once and a while
Comes and fades away*

The good news: I haven't called written or spoken to him in four weeks, not even under the influence of hooch. Which has historically been a problem and lead to some tearful, tentative and eventually disasterous ex-sex. I have also not, crusied by his house, visited "our spots" hoping to see him, called his friends (or hassled "our friends" for details) and have had only one big bitching session with girls about "what went wrong." Major accomplishment.

Still, I'm thinking time off is a good idea. Take some yoga classes, get back into dancing, drag the girls out to happy hour on a regular basis, interact with my male friends on a strictly friends basis. Sure I'm a little horny but that's not something that can't get fixed with a bit of "mouse clicking" (if ya know what I mean) But I put my face to the universe when I wake up in the morning and I say "thank you for one more day to figure this shit without worring about somebody else for a change."

Of course, there's a song for what happens next:

Maybe I got a lot to learn
Time can slip away
Sometimes you got to lose it all
Before you find your way
Take a chance, play your part
Make romance, it might break your heart.
But if you think that time will change your ways
Don't wait too long

Then I look up one day at work and notice the Audi (classy, well engineered and very German) strike up a totally random conversation and wind up having WAY too much in common although he's very much my senior and doesn't look a year of it. Platonics are the rule for work relationships, but you ever get that feeling that if that particular situation were different, a lot of other things would be differnt too. Yeah.

And then comes along Spiderman, the New Zealand transplant. Who is cute in that sort of sandy blond labrador retriever sort of way, athletic, oddly single, adventurous and who I could talk with for HOURS - and have. (More on this one in a minute)

And then yesterday, taking LegalGrrl's puppy to the park for some frisbee I met the most charming and (probably a few years younger) social programmer - Astro. His dog and LegalGrrl's hound took a liking to each other and did the rolling wrestling thing while we talked. He did the most attentive listening I've ever expereinced: when distracted by the dogs or other people he would return immediatly and reference the last few words out of my mouth beginning with the phrase "tell me about..."
Very, very sexy.

Confession time. I have never really "dated" I have spent much of my life getting into relationships with my friends, (always ending in disaster when it ends) or being a solo act. So when Spidey called last week wondering if I would like to go have a drink after work it took me a minute to realize he was asking me "out." This morning I checked messages and Astro is wondering when we could meet a the park with the dogs and maybe get some coffee.

WTF?! So I said yes.

To both.

Fact of the matter is, all of the above could come out to nothing much at all. TAKE IT SLOW has become my theme song when the phone rings and it's a boy. But seeing multiple people at the same time - is kind of a new thing for me. And in fact, I am kinda holding out a bit of hope that maybe the Audi and I's platonicism might evolve into something else entirely, but I am more happy to have a friendly face at work than another boy on the plate.

In the meantime, I am still in Time Off mode. I cleaned my apartment top to bottom last night as Seattle cooled off, turned the phone off and then sorted mail and watched America's Next Dance Crew while dining on steamed Asparagus, fresh tomatoes and mozzarella balls - coffee table for one, please. I slept like a baby.








* so the other part of this song goes something like:

I don't know what love is
I'm selfish and lazy
And when I get scared
I can act like I'm crazy.

..which may also apply, but that's another post.

And now, for a musical interlude...

Do you remember this song? For about two weeks I rocked this like it was going out of style.



The year was 1997. I was in high school.

The strangest part of getting older is how everything suddenly feels like "just yesterday" when in reality it was over a decade ago. And what on EARTH was I listening to back in the day?

Has it really been almost a month?

Okay, I know. I am breaking my New Year's blog-update resolution: breaking it with a ten ton hammer. Let me summarize in a quick update:

1. I still haven't won the lottery, yet. In fact, even if I had, and i was sailing around the world right now, I still should be updating this blog on a regular basis.
2. Still going to work. See #1
3. Happy Birthday Rosie! One year closer to no longer being a 20-something blogger.
4. After the initial, elation/euphoria over my new found singleness, I descended into a bit of a funk. Okay "bit" is mildy. The weather in Seattle didn't do much to help, either.

To be fair part of it is missing HF. The majority is feeling like ONCE AGAIN I have turned a relationship into a trainwreck. Wasn't that the reason this damned blog got started in the first place. Embarrassed and more than a little frustrated the last place I could show my face was HERE. With another man related sob story. AND SINGLE, with not a prospect in sight.

For petessakes, its felt like the end of the damned world for a while there. I wallowed. I felt sorry for myself. I bemoaned men, and my inability to pick the right one and BE WITH THEM. Which brings me to finally dragging my ass back out into the world. *

I think I finally remembered I was going to be okay when I was at a friend's house the other night. I was talking to one of those acquaintances that you only see once in a blue moon at the house of a mutual friend and in the midst of "catch up" conversation I mentioned that I "just finished dating a man from XXX." I paused, flummoxed by my choice of words. My companion laughed, "that is the most powerful way I've ever heard someone refer to a relationship being over."

So here I am, on one of the first real summer weekends Seattle has seen. Determined not to spend more time than necessary moping in the house I did my hair, hopped on the 125 and headed downtown to Elliot Bay Bookstore to burn up my birthday gift certificate. The M's game was just letting out, and judging by the fans we might not have won, but it was a fantastic afternoon to be at the ballpark, none the less.

I passed over the self help section (my new latest obsession) and went write to travel essays where I bought The Kindness of Strangers and Go Your Own Way. It wasn't easy - I lingered over Long Way Round (Ewan MacGregor motos around the world? Heaven!) and Go Girl! (travel tales from black women) but decisions have to be made. Time to get back on track.

I'm back.







*I am leaving out a LOT here. Suffice it to say there was no crying in the cookie aisle this go around, but I did learn something helpful from O Magazine about letting go of regret.

The last of the road trips....

I think I just took my last road trip this weekend.

Unfortunately I'm one of those people who really does like to drive - not the daily commute, of course. I love road trips, packing up the car with food and stuff and people (dogs are people too) picking a direction, plotting a course, loading up on music and hitting the road. The longer the better. It's one part therapy, one part recreation, one part cheap travel. Last Friday after a crappy week at work and breaking up with Handsome Fellah* I decided a road trip was in order. I packed up the car, grabbed some grub, hunted on Craigslist for a relatively sane rideshare companion and headed to PDX for some TLC from BBGB.

It was a great trip, the sun, wind, open windows, political discourse, music. And then came time for the fillup.

$65 dollars


Watching the numbers at the pump roll north I counted off meals, shoes, movies, books, all the things $65 bucks could have gone toward. All for a 6 hours and two days of driving and i would still have to put gas in the car for the return trip!

It occured to me that it's cheaper for me to get a therapist than hop in the car when the world's troubles are on my shoulders. Granted, hanging out with BBGB is like family - but I could have easily taken the train or a bus down for a helluva lot cheaper. Then it occurred to me how environmentally irresponsible my little hobby was - sure I've gotten better about doing Craigslist rideshares whenever i get a wild hair to hit the road to PDX, but its not always been like that. Time for a major lifestyle overhaul.

So, with a heavy heart I pulled up to the house Sunday night I said goodbye to my road-trippin days. My one regret is that I never drove cross country when it was remotely affordable because I've always wanted to see the country from behind the wheel. Still, I've had lots of awesome adventures, and great tales.

When I woke up this morning it occurred to me if I sold my car I could save about $300-$400 a month in insurance, car payments and gas. Sure I'd be taking the bus and Zip Cars more, but that's still a drop in the bucket comparatively. Holee crap, one step closer to my travel goals!

What shoes...you might ask?

These shoes: Frye's Belted Harness Boots

So I know these wouldn't USUALLY fit the definition of "spring shoes" but i have wanted a pair since before forever.

I bet they would look cute with a skirt, too.

Still on track...

I was seriously worried that the shenanigans with my car was going to put a dent in my savings/travel plan.

However, the opposite is true. I was able to cover my deductible and the excess rental car fees with my thus far measly albeit sufficient UhOh Fund without touching a piece of plastic. Okay not counting the check card the cash came out of. So my UhOh Fund has taken a hit, but hey, that's what it's for.

So although in some respects I'm almost back to square one with the Uh-Oh Fund, I learned two important things:
1. Up the overall Uh-Oh savings goal to $1500. Uh-Oh's can be more expensive than you'd think in lots of little ways.
2. Tapping the Uh-Oh fund is Hu-way better than calling the parents when you hit a rough spot. It's pretty empowering to know that whatever 'it' is, I can handle it without Mummy, Daddums, or the cards.

I'm keeping up my 10% plan, and the Travel Fund is steadily increasing. No, I am nowhere near $1k a month.

Yet.

Now I'm trying to decide how to handle this stimulus check business iffnwhen it arrives. I'll probably reward myself with at least one pair of spring shoes (I have been a GOOD GIRL) but the big decision is whether to put the rest in savings, or to throw it at some old debt. Have to run the numbers on that one - interest rates and all.

(and no, Prez Shrub, that does not mean blowing it all at Nordstroms, either. That measly check isn't gonna get me far there anyway. But thank you for your sound economic advice)

I hate it when...

I think of a great idea for a blog post on the bus, but by the time that I get unwedged enough from between my fellow riders to write it down I've forgotten what I wanted to say.

So that's my excuse. That is also reason # 999 that I need an iPhone.

That is all.

Could it be, spring? Oh, no nevermind...

Spring in Seattle is like winter in Seattle. Only warmer. And wetter.

And while in some situations those two qualities would definitely be considered a good thing, in this case, they're the qualities of a tease. A tricky little harlot that offers a glimpse of sun, a hint of warm and then sends you damp and sniffling back indoors.

I love this town.

Signed,

Lets just get right to summer then, already.

I was so stressed out I needed a pedicure...

Thursday afternoon, after four weeks of bouncing between the mechanic and insurance companies, two rental cars, delayed car parts and THE REST OF MY LIFE, I thought I was going to loose my mind.

Actually I'm pretty sure I'd already lost my mind and was finally noticing this. All over $2500 worth of exhaust system damage (start at the catalytic converter and keep adding parts and labor)

On top of it all, I've gotten new responsibilities at work which I inherently love because they involve photography -- but are totally overwhelming at the moment because I've got to learn yet another Tool and skillset. For about two weeks I was literally passing out at 8:30, getting up at 5 and starting the day all over again.

Wednesday I broke down with BBGB (over IM, of course). I'm tired, I'm stressed, I have no time, I am overwhelmed. How much is this going to cost me and when is this going to be over had become the constant litany replacing a usually very fun and interesting daydreaming life. I haven't blogged in WEEKS. Boo hoo me.

There's a reason she's my bestest girl buddy ever. Her solution: get some perspective and a massage.

See, we are Californians, and in California we know there's no mental upheaval that can't be solved with a lil pampering. In fact, I bet this applies to all women, but Cali girls are the first ones that I have ever heard admit it. Out loud. In mixed company. We are not afraid to admit: when the going gets tough, the tough get a rub down. Fellas, take note.

It was my idea to throw in the pedicure. By the time I was sitting under the lamp watching my cute pink toes dry I had a whole new mental frame.

Thank god I have insurance - the repair is covered. I get to cruise around in a sweet rental car (drive it like you stole it, baybee) for two weeks. When all of this is over, I'll have no problem getting my car to pass Washington emissions because I will have an almost entirely brand new exhaust system. And i have cute little flowers painted on my big toes.

So while I'm not going to thank any part stealing junk heads anytime soon, I really have nothing to complain about. Just need to grow some patience, and start blogging again.

You know it was a good day because

...you get to go to the mountain, even though your car is out of commission (long story, see the one about the exhaust pipe thief)
...you run into FLOML snowboarding, and your heart doesn't even flutter.
...you find yourself enjoying an unexpected companion: great conversation, laughs, and good runs. At the end of the day you can say you have a new friend. (Code name: 2Plank)
...you finish the day with a quite house, a hot bath, and Joseph Campbell.
...bedtime looks like heaven. You're convinced your pillows have gotten even softer than they were when you left them this morning.

Pretty damn delightful.

Turkey Burgers to Monogomy

D says:
another day, another turkey burger
Rosie says:
LOL
Rosie says:
mmm, i might go have seconds of Indian food in a minute. i did a bad thing today
D says:
what was your sin of choice
Rosie says:
i stole a bottle of Tobasco from the cafeteria to keep in the kitchen on my floor
D says:
HA
Rosie says:
cause i go thru about a bottle a week
Rosie says:
and i'm tired of running downstairs to get it
D says:
me too
D says:
buy your own silly
D says:
dont get fired over some hot sauce
Rosie says:
lmao, it's still in the building, just upstairs I'm jsut restocking
D says:
uh huh
Rosie says:
as long as it doesn't leave the building, I haven't stolen anything
Rosie says:
just misplaced it
D says:
it all depends on who defines stolen in the hierarchy
Rosie says:
hehehe
Rosie says:
thanks sweetie, I suppose I'll take the heat when it hits me
Rosie says:
oye...even funny man robin williams can't keep a marriage going...I'm not even going to TRY...lol
D says:
im really past the point of being surprised
Rosie says:
ya - i just wonder what is the problem? i mean, ultimately what's going on - is marriage just outdated, do we have more options? are people just not willint to work things out? is it just that more people get divorced cause it's an option now than back in the old days? Wtf? I guess they don't publicize the marriages that work
Rosie says:
but still, it just puzzles me
D says:
im not convinced that humans are monogamous by nature most animals aren't
Rosie says:
true
D says:
i think that yeah we raise youngins with a single partner but then most animals go off with someone else
Rosie says:
interesting
D says:
almost half of marriages end up in divorce, but factor in marriages with infidelity, and "open marriages"....there not a whole lot of till death do us part in there
Rosie says:
yeah i'm just wondering if there needs to be some differentiating between sexual intimacy and lifelong relationships - i mean don't get me wrong, I'm not headed for the open relationship, but sometimes i wonder if this whole storybook bullshit about "happily ever after" and "soulmates" (there's one person for everyone) doesn't create this unrealistic expectation that the one person you marry will be able to be "all things" rather than just acknowledging our biology (attraction may vary)
Rosie says:
and valuing emotional loyalty and intimacy at a higher level (something i don't think we do at all) i mean, if sexual intimacy is the biggest value in a relationship it seems inevitable that things are going to fall apart. its a biological drive essentially but when two people 'get' each other in an emotionally intimate way that is the kind of thing that keeps people friends for life - so why can't that work for marriage too
Rosie says:
we live in a culture where men are denied permission to access and express emotions for risk of being weak or less manly which leaves lots of men's emotional sides immature (undeveloped rather than 'childish') then all we have to bond with is the sexual/attraction level of intimacy which is bound to fail, change or switch to another partner
D says:
we gotta get you a book deal
Rosie says:
sheeesh...quit ya teasin me
D says:
and i didn't even have to rub your feet
Rosie says:
oh don't worry, i'm keeping a tab of all the feet rubbing I have coming
D says:
from who
Rosie says:
IF i ever do see you again you better be ready
D says:
oh boy
Rosie says:
After you get done, there won't be any feet left for anyone else
D says:
well damn, did i promise to rub any thing else
Rosie says:
uh...not that i recall - at least not while either one of us was sober
D says:
thats prolly a good thing
Rosie says:
what the not remembering or the not being sober
D says:
what may have been promised in a drunken state
Rosie says:
oh yeah, course
D says:
shit i might end up pregnant
Rosie says:
lmao keep it in yer pants, buster
D says:
i always have....with you
Rosie says:
well that makes ONE person

D is a boy -er- man, that I've known since we were both 19. He's the best friend I've ever had. We talk about everything. Usually while I'm waiting for some program to load, or files to copy or other such goofiness. He is my twin - and I love him more than life. This is why.

I will not freak out...I will stay calm...I will not kill anyone...

Today I returned from the bus after a blissful sunny afternoon wandering around downtown and climbed into my car. I started the engine and immediately knew something was wrong. It sounded like no one had bothered to install a muffler on my car. Parked on a busy street and against a high wall I couldn't safely take a look, so I let it run for a minute, made sure there were no fluids dripping and drove the mile and a half home.

Safe from traffic in the driveway I got on my hands and knees and looked under the car.

Muffler - still attached. No visible holes.

Exhaust Pipe.

Missing.

Yeah, someone had cut the exhaust pipe from the muffler to the header. About two feet of pipe was missing, cleanly sliced off. In fact, the first cut on the header side was too high so they pulled out and moved further down.

Just so you know - I wasn't parked in a lot all day, or even on a side street. I'm parked on a major street, busy all day and yet some asshole had the unmitigated gall to break out the saw and pull a usless peice of pipe from my car. I mean, the muffler I could understand, the header even...if your desperate and you really need a stock muffler or header...please take mine.

But the pipe. The stupid pipe you could get at ace hardware for a few bucks. INSTEAD YOU STOLE MINE? REALLY?

D is convinced it's revenge. He's wondering who's man I stole. Maybe I should have a convo with HF about that one, eh?

Honestly, I must have pissed somebody off. The funny part is, well it's just funny. So bizarre, and unbelievable. It's just random. D's second guess is that it's "mistaken identity," whoever it was thought the car belonged to someone else.

Has anyone else heard of this? Is this a common car prank? Is there something special about stock exhaust pipes that I don't know about?

WTF?

Travel Plan

I'm hungry for it now. This morning I woke up with a gnawing in my proverbial belly. It said one word: TRAVEL.

After two weeks of cramming travel books at the library and Barnes and Noble, here are my top destinations so far (in no particular order):

Costa Rica
Guatemala
Panama
Indonesia
Cambodia
Spain
Chile

I'm starting to look at travel by region - that way I can hit up multiple countries in one trip. The problem is, I want to go to them all AT THE SAME TIME.

How on earth do I decide where do I go first?!

Visualize this...

and, more importantly, ME in THIS.

I know, cute, right?

Socrates on Gossip

Lately I've been thinking about gossip. One of the many little indulgences I allow myself is the occasional snark - either among friends or in the larger public sphere of celebrity trainwreck action. Unlike pizza and ice cream (both of which can be worked off when consumed in moderation) I am beginning to see how the use of words can have far more lasting, and insidious impact.

In the Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz refers to one of the primary Agreements of "Using your word impeccably." In short: words are powerful, we can use them to build up or tear down, and we owe it to ourselves (and others) to use our words in a way that creates, not destroys. Ultimately when we use our words destructively - even if it appears to be against others -the true damage we cause is to ourselves.

So my obsession with snarky gossip - from chatting with the girls to celebrity snarking- not only serves no ultimate purpose, but it degrades myself in the process. Trouble is, it's so ingrained I'm not sure how to change that.

Of course, the universe reveals information exactly when I'm finally open to receive it and this little gem crossed my radar.

According to legend, the Greek scholar Socrates held a particular disdain for gossip. When faced with a juicy tidbit of info, it is said he had a three part test before allowing the giver to proceed. Summed up briefly (the whole post is circling the internet in infamy, go look it up if you need the details) here is Socrates criteria:

1. Is it valid? Do you know if the information is factual and true? Do you personally know the people involved?
2. Is it good news? Is the news your relating positive?
3. Is it useful? Is there true value to me knowing (and you sharing, or vice versa) this bit of info.


How true is this story? Ultimately, does it matter? If it was Socrates, Plato, MC Hammer or God itself. I believe it. I asked for help in how to break this bad habit, and the universe gave me the tools I need to make it happen.

I'm committing to stop feeding the gossip monster bits of my own humanity. I owe myself at least that. I'm even going so far as to drop my links to WWTDD and YBF - even Fug Yourself has to go. And before you start groaning at my being a goody two shoes - just remember, if it really is something YOU feel alright doing, nobody's stopping you, or wagging a finger in your face, least of all me.

And really, those blogs have enough links to keep a bazillion people coming there every day. Loosing me won't make anybody cry. I'm not trying to start a movement, or spoil anyone else's fun. This time it really is personal.

101 ways to maul yourself

AKA. How to Operate a Chainsaw

This weekend HF and I went to help clear trees off his brother's property. Bro and his wife are building a house on their property - their first - and this was sort of a "family" event. Wife was out shopping so I hung out on the couch to get some writing done. I was doing really well. Of course, the short attention spanned master of procrastination has other ideas. Attracted by the sound of powertools, I headed outside to see what the boys were "up to."

The boys were doing very cool things with very scary chainsaws. They also found good use for an extra set of hands and before I knew it I was helping to pull down said alders in the desired direction. Which was kind of like playing chicken with a falling tree. Fun. Not content with just dodging trees, I decided I needed MORE danger.

So I asked to learn to run the chainsaw. I can't exactly explain the appeal to you, except for to say its the kind of thing you crave when you grow up in a house full of intellectuals. I mean I have READ about chainsaws, but I can't say I've actually been close enough to one to see the blade. HF OWNS his own chainsaw. WOW.

To his credit, HF didn't even hesitate when I asked. Outfitted in gloves, goggles and a stern lecture on how "carelessness with the chainsaw can kill you," he pointed me at the nearest fallen trees and proceeded to teach a course in "Chainsaw operation 101."

Which amounted to "101 ways to maul yourself if you don't pay attention to what your doing with a motor operated saw."

Good times. Before each new bit of the lesson I got a worst case scenario explanation of exactly HOW I could maul myself if I didn't do it right. Which is probably why the final lesson was how to start the thing, as the wrong sequence of action can land you a saw blade in the schnoz - and though the blade wouldn't be running it would still probably hurt like a mother f*Cker.

So. Each alder I was allowed to work on was only about 4-8 inches thick, but apparently in all the pictures I have a very intense expression on my face as I maneuver the saw through trunks. Yes, you heard that right. Some people will naked pictures circling the internet - me? In mine, I am fully clothed and holding a chainsaw while massacring some fallen baby trees. God forbid I ever run for office.

I have to say HF is a pretty good teacher. He was patient, grave, but still let me have at it for as long as I wanted to, and didn't complain when I retreated back to my computer with a trembling arm. Of course, you'd be a good teacher to if you could spend part of the afternoon drinking beer while supervising your girlfriend sharpening your chainsaw blade.

Suffice it to say, my desire to run a 'saw is completely satisfied. Now I will have something interesting to add to a character's traits when I need an outdoorsy rural type. That's the great thing about being a writer: Everything is research.

Why can't I?

Famous last words in the Book of Rosie...

My cube-mate (yes you heard that right, in my most recent employment incarnation I not only have to work in a cube, I actually have to share that cube with another full grown human being. May I note that it's not exactly a LARGE cube either)

So to begin again. Thankfully my cubemate and I have become an extended version of single-serving friends. She's my mom's age, and kind of an old hippie type, which is interesting only because we now both work in technology - afield nether one of us EVER saw ourselves going into. We spend a lot of time together, so we talk. Probably more than we should, but I'm just considering myself lucky that we have something to talk about, and that she's more interesting than That Guy my friend LegalGirl shares cubespace with. LegalGirl and I have agreed that That Guy isn't interesting enough to get a real code name. In fact, he doesn't appear to have much of a personality at all.

My cubepartner, Blossom, however is hu-way cool for an old chick (and I mean that in the best way) smart, liberal and opinionated, she seems like the kind of mom you wish your best friend had. Early on I shared with her that I was on this savings plan, to travel at the end of my contract. Today we wound up talking about travel again. Payday does that to a brain.

"So what you're gonna save like 1000 a month or something?" she asked.

I paused for just a second, my mouth open but my throat catching hard on the "I wish" I was about to utter. I did a bit of quick math - $1,000 for 12 months. That's a whole lotta travel freedom. What if I couldn't do it? Conversely, what did I have to loose by aiming aim high? As W. Clement Stone said, "Aim for the moon. Even if you miss, you may hit a star."

I've made "go big or go home" my personal motto in everything from snowboarding to eating a good meal. It's gotten me big jumps, busted knees, unforgettable dining and a few extra pounds in the back end. Why not take that challenge to my finances? Granted, that would be almost 1/3 of my monthly take home, but as tracking my weekly expenses has revealed - I actually don't have that many if I limit my nights out and driving. And shopping.

The Law of Attraction dictates that you are only capable of achieving what you believe you can, alternately, what you believe in you can achieve. And belief involves a certain amount of faith. Even in the face of doubt and improbability.

So I closed my mouth, looked her dead in the face, then said, "Yeah, just like that."

Note to self: a moratorium has been placed on the purchase of all shoes until further notice.

That is all.

For Whom the Phone Rings, or Karma is a Bitch

So guess who had a missed call she couldn't clear from her phone today? See if the caller had left a message the missed call sign would have gone away when I checked my voicemail. Unfortunately they couldn't be bothered - or the call wasn't that important in the first place (more than likely) so now, do I not only know what they wanted, but WHO the "they" are.

I didn't think it was so annoying at first until every time I left my desk and came back I did a double take wondering who on earth even knew the extension to reach me in this cavern of contractors. It really was annoying. Thank God Legalgirl was online.

Rosie: Damn that missed call thing is annoying.
LegalGrrl (She made me promise if I blogged this I would spell the girl as she prefered"grrl" which is SOOO 90's but is also how I prefer spelling my own monkier - as in RosieGrrl, anywho): Not u too?
Rosie: Ah yeah, karma is a f*cking b*tch, eh?
LegalGrrl: Ya. Completely. Do u want ThatGuy's extension?
PAUSE
Rosie: Uh, yeah, I guess so. This is going to drive me crazy.

Once again, the universe checks in to remind one smart-ass girl to stop trash talking everyone else. One never knows when they might have information that one might happen to appreciate having.

When the phone just won't behave

LegalGirl says That Guy spent about two hours today trying to figure out how to make his phone stop displaying a bogus "new call" notification. He literally could not let it go. Not in the, "jeeze that's annoying, guess I will not waste one more second being annoyed and just ignore it," sort of way. More along the lines of, "I cannot function in any way shape or form unless I right this egregious error immediately!"

What's more sad: That it bugged him so much he couldn't work for trying to figure the damn thing out, or that the company is so fricking disorganized that no one along the chain of 'help' peeps could actually figure it out?

Either way, I can't fault him for trying - but I do feel for LegalGirl. I can just picture her ass-deep in Very Important Documents, trying to focus on copy editing said documents with the consistent drone of half-deaf That Guy on the phone with support in the background. Apparently she gave up at some point, cause I got the IM flash in the corner of my screen.

She did fill me in on the Visqueen show this weekend at Sunset - the show I was too late to get tickets for and was apparently great (as always, love Visqueen)

This is what happens when I spend too much time on YouTube

Oh shit, see what happens when I go looking to post that Mayer/Keys commercial - all kinda funny bidness comes up. I'd almost rather watch him do stupid funny shit than play music most days. This shit kills me:



Holy hell. Where did this boy come from? Yeah, he's a big goofy dork. Swoon.

John Mayer + Alicia Keys = My happy ears...

BBGB turned me on to these MTV ads - cause she understands my unhealthy and unholy obsession with John Mayer's well being. I don't have a crush on him, per se: it's just that Mayer is the kind of guy that composed most of my social circle in High School. Awkward, oddly charming, musically talented and most of the time attracted to the wrong women. The kind of guy I would have had a crush on if I hadn't had enough sense to know that I didn't stand a chance when compared to his idealized version of womanhood in the form of the popular, cheerleader-type (aka Jessica Simpson)

So anyway. Fast forward. Yes he writes sappy music with lyrics that real men hate because it puts all this pressure on them to be "That Guy" for their girlfriends (aka Say Anything Syndrome) Still, the guy manages not to take himself too seriously (cough, cough: Jack Johnson) He allows himself to be photographed in the Borat wrestling costume. AND....then there are the MTV rabbit commercials, which if you're like me and can't stand to watch what passes for programming these days on "WTF-happened-to-the Music Television," you probably missed:



Thank God for BBGB. Cause not only is Mayer in the suit, but the spots feature Alicia Keys, who is rocking my world and my Ipod. Turns out she did the fabulous outro vocals for Mayer's "Gravity," and he's featured on "Lesson Learned" from As I Am, which has not left my Ipod playlist since it was added. The chemistry between these two is outstanding - and I'm not even thinking THAT kind of chemistry. On pure musical talent and simpatico alone, this is a collaborations I never dreamed could be so amazing.

What do I not ADORE about Ms. Keys? Since the Tori Amos days I've been a sucker for a chick on a piano. And a chick that rocks a piano with some serious Motown soul? Oh mercy! Plus, in a world populated by trainwreck chicks with questionable talent (Amy, Britney, Lindsay...PARIS, anyone?) she is mature, gracious, sexy-without-the-slime and above all - a talented musician. She so composed, with just enough swagger to let you know she could still kick somebody's ass but she chooses to behave better than that. Plus the girl has a booty. Hallelujah. She looks like a real woman. Curvy, gorgeous, Beyonce take note: THAT is is the definition of bootylicious. Who knows, Keys could be a cranked out wackjob in real life, but she manages to keep her shit on straight. CLASSY.

Do I want to be her when I grow up? Hell yeah. Especially when you get to pull off this shit with Mayer at the Grammys:




I can die and go to heaven. Check that swagger. Hollah. That is all.

Fates worse than death

I believe there are fates worse than death. That is, some things I would rather die than do or have happen to me.

For instance, if I could no longer eat, or enjoy food, which is such a primary point in my life. Don't get me wrong, food is not an emotional experience - not my ultimate comfort. But the act, and pleasure of eating is something that would seriously impact my overall quality of life, if say, I had to take all my nourishment intravenously for the rest of my days.

Indeed, this is a purely personal "worse than death." Perhaps for most people the choice between staying alive and not being able to chew is not a difficult one to make. Maybe I would learn to deal with it - to cope, as all human beings have done facing adversity through time since the beginning of it. And I know there are plenty of medical conditions that prevent people from eating in the traditional sense. I'm not talking about having a food allergy, or a lack of teeth. I'm talking about never being able to sit down at a table with people I love and share a meal. Taste a blackberry picked fresh off a vine in summer time, gnash on popcorn in the middle of the night, close my eyes at HF's command as he slips a piece of rich dark chocolate between my lips.

More than food itself is the quality of the experience that makes life worth living. I like nourishing my body. I like textures of foods in my mouth. I like the opportunity for social bonding that comes up around a good meal, or even appetizers during happy hour.

What I think IS universal about all this is that we all have at least one "a fate worse than death," something that without, or having gone through, our lives would never be the same - might not even be worth living. For my friend, the published author, it would be loosing her command of language. For my bro, it's a prolonged, wasting illness.

Sure, nothing is as ultimate as death - and I don't suggest that I live in fear of not being able to taste the cool wash of beer over my tongue on a hot summer day. But each of us are here, in this life, with our own experience - on our own terms. That's what makes it worthwhile. And there's a power in knowing for me that some things are absolutely nonnegotiable - and they don't always have to be the lofty concepts. "Give me freedom or give me death" is all well and good, but often times our individual lives don't come down to anything nearly so dramatic. That doesn't mean it's any less important to know where we stand - and what we will, and won't stand for.

The Three B's

Does anyone else out there have this problem? I spend way too much time on IM during the day. To be fair, it IS one of the primary modes of communication at work - my boss may not pick up her phone or check her voice mail --EVER -- but she'll certainly shoot back a reply complete with goofy smilie face emoticon if I ping her with an IM.

Unfortunately I've been using the same IM since college and at every job I've had since - so EVERYBODY who knows me knows it. I hear most frequently from D who checks in to ask me about my weekend and tell me about his latest conquest. BBGB and I chat on and off but she is arguably the only person I know who is more busy than I am during the day. Legal Girl likes to ping me about shows. TechMan gripes about being the IT guru for a bunch of luddite blockheads. FrontDesk gripes about, well being at the front desk all day and Sk8terBoi tries to keep me up to date on the latest shop drama.

I love hearing snippets of my friends lives and keeping track of people. I rarely Myspace any more and only hit Facebook when I get notification that somebody has done some obnoxious thing to my account - anyone been turned into a vampire yet?

But last week everybody wanted to chat. Of course, I was slammed for the first time at work. changing my status to offline helped, but that doesn't fool the people who know me best. Which is just about everybody. By Wednesday, I instituted the Three B's status on my outgoing tag as in:

If it's not Burning, Bleeding or Broken...come back later.

The funny thing is, it actually worked. By Friday all I had to do was add "Three B's!" and the IM was quiet. The funny thing is that although the Three B's started as a way to ward off other people, it's also begun to translate to warding off the internal pitfalls that get in the way of being my own best person. I mean, how many times do I overreact, or let anxiety keep me from enjoying the moment? Cause really, like the Dali Lama said:

There's no point in worry, if there is a solution, it will become apparent. If not, there is nothing you can do about it. Why worry.

So how to the Three B's apply? For example, when I catch myself getting worked up over something, it goes:

Feeling anxious, stressed out, worried? Is it broken, burning or bleeding? Then chill out.

Feelings hurt? Offended? Annoyed? Is it bleeding, broken or burning? then let it go.

Hurried, harried, pressured? Is it burning, broken or bleeding? Then just relax.

You get the idea...The Three B's is rapidly becoming a personal mantra.

Come to think of it -- look out, it's another THIS I BELIEVE coming up--

I believe in having personal mantras. I believe there's nothing magical about a good mantra: I believe there's something powerful about the repetition of important helpful thought patterns to counter years of repetitive thoughts that are not empowering me to be the best person I can be.

AND, I believe my chicken is done cooking (I can smell it from here) so I'm off to satisfy another one of my beliefs:

I believe that feeding oneself is ordinary, but enjoying a good meal divine.

I belive...

• that paradoxically, an entire life spent as a hopeless klutz has forced me to develop amazing reflexes.
  

(this after accidentally I knocked my boss' -thankfully empty - travel mug from his desk then caught said mug before it hit the ground. I heard "wow," I thought "thank god.")

Statements of Belief

• I believe that the Thai expression "mi ben lai" (letting it go) can be the most effective way to end a fight. The key is in having nothing to do with "winning."
• I believe that pizza and ice cream is an acceptable substitute for makeup sex
• I believe I am smarter, funnier, and more bold than I give myself credit for.
• I believe that I am loved
  

What do I belive?

So my first set of statements of belief are as follows (in absolutely no particular order)

• When it comes to relationships, I believe that working it out may be a lot harder than walking away, but so much more worthwhile.
• I believe that ending tears with laughter is better than any medicine.
• I believe that I know more than I give myself credit for.
• I believe that I am the first person I need to love, and be loved by, before I can expect anyone else to "fall" for me.
  
• I believe that just because Netflix recommends a movie based on other movies I've enjoyed, doesn't mean I have to like it.
• I believe that riding the bus to work every day makes me a better person. NOT better than anyone else (including car drivers) just a better version of me.
• I do believe, however that by taking the bus I'm earning credit for when I do choose to drive.
• I believe that all I need to do to change is believe that I can do it.
• I believe that there are some parts of love that sappy love songs know nothing about.